Allow me to dust off the COI blog and get this thing rolling again.  Did you miss us?  No?  Well, f*** you, too! 

I joke, I tease, I kid.

One week into the semifinals and already I'm bored. That's not a good sign. Anyway, here are my opinions.

Jackie Tohn - "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley: It was kinda corny, but she's got a good voice. Of course, her chances of advancing are less than zero due to performing in the death slot.

Ricky Braddy - "A Song For You" - by Leon Russell: the guy has some pipes. It's too bad that he hasn't been featured much up to this point; otherwise, he would have a decent shot of making it through. Maybe he'll get a wild card slot. He's a bit dull personality wise, but he's got enough going for him to deserve another chance.

Alexis Grace - "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin: A decent singer, but something rings hollow about her. She seems sort of fake to me, like a little girl playing dress-up in hopes that the adults will invite her to the big dining room table. She has a solid chance of making the Top 12.

Brent Keith - "Hicktown" by Jason Aldean: WTF was that? Not only did he choose a dumb song, but he sang like he had a corn cob stuck up his a**. No way he makes it through. Back to being a Nashville Star reject.

Stevie Wright - "You Belong to Me" by Taylor Swift : The worst performance of the night. A bad song choice made worse in that she sang off-key more than Taylor Swift. I didn't know such a feat was possible, so kudos to Stevie for reaching such a milestone. She stunk up the joint something awful and she totally pissed on herself.

Anoop Desai - "Angel of Mine" by Monica: Decent singing, questionable song choice. He might make it through by virtue of being featured so much in earlier rounds, but he didn't do himself any favors.

Casey Carlson - "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" by the Police: HELL NO. This was rough listening. Another bad song selection coupled with some warbly singing.

Michael Sarver - "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw: There needs to be a moratorium on this song. Some dope sings it every freaking year. This version was so-so. Nothing too bad, but not great. The judges seem to like him, so I imagine he'll get a wild card bid if he doesn't make it through the first time around.

Anne Marie Boskovich - "Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin: She was way out of her league by tackling that song. She's got an OK voice, but going for ReRe's inaguration church hat sealed her fate. No go.

Stephen Fowler - "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson: Il Papa said that Stephen was better than Chikieze. Someone check to see if Mr. Rose put a double dose of cyanide in his Kool-Aid, because this dude was unimpressive. He knew that he wet himself, too. He just dragged himself off-stage like the fodder he is.

Tatiana Del Toro - "Saving All My Love For You" by Whitney Houston: Drama queen antics aside, she's got a pretty good voice. Most contestants that cover Whitney songs do a poor job, but Tatiana was solid and some parts of her performance were quite nice. I can't lie--I want her to make it through because I need someone to bring the crazy during the finals. BTW, what was up with Paula trying to laugh at Tatiana's cuckoo-for-Cocoa Puffs routine? If there's one person who's got no room to laugh at anyone when it comes to insanity, it's Paula. What's the over/under for MC Skat Cat's main chick to slip into her Valium-induced coma this season, anyway?

Danny Gokey - "Hero" by Mariah Carey: Maybe it's the cynic in me, but I didn't enjoy this performance. Yes, Danny has a good voice. But choosing this treacly song while giving that syrupy monologue about wanting to inspire others to just HOLD ON TO THE GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE! during their time of grief? GMAFB. This ain't the Miss America pageant where Susan Kate MacHado of Minnesota gives her spiel about wanting world peace. Of course Randy, Paula, and Kara honked and clapped liked trained circus seals at the end of what surely was the best Idol performance EVAH! Someone pass me the garbage can while I puke. Are we going to have to deal with this prententious dude's mess until late May? Let me know so I can stock up on vodka--it's the only way I can make it through such tripe.

Jason's cover of "Forever in Blue Jeans" showcases his best and worst attributes.  Jason is a pleasant guy.  He seems friendly, goofy, and light-hearted.  He's the type of guy who'll help you move into your new apartment and not ask for so much as a slice of pizza in return.  But AI demands its contestants to pander and prostitute themselves in the loudest octave possible.  Jason just isn't that kind of guy.  There's nothing wrong with that--in the real world.  But AI is an artificial concoction and as such, requires artifical melodrama.  And that's something that Jason can never give.

David Cook hits the stage with "I'm Alive" and for all purposes, it's good enough.  Nothing spectacular, but servicable and in a season where most contestants can't find their way to the supermarket, the guy who can make a meal out of dandelion leaves is king.  It's not a satsifying meal, but it'll keep you from starving.  David Cook isn't that good of a performer, but he's all AI really has at this point.  It's their own damn fault.

Brooke has apparently been introduced to Xanax, because she's quite chipper tonight.  While she looks like a 1970's Hee Haw cornfield extra with that ruffled denim blouse, she covers "I'm a Believer" with cheery aplomb.  So hooray!  No need to hide the sharp objects from the Rated G Superstar tonight.  Thankful for small favors and such.

David Archuleta and his handlers could give a master class on Finding Safety in the Pop Music Universe.  "Sweet Caroline" is right between Archie's sweet spot of tweener girls who'd like to french him with their glittery lipgloss and grandmas who wanted to fragance his cherubic face with the scent of Cashmere Bouquet dusting powder.  It was adequate, it was compentent, it was a stagnant pond of algae and mosquito larvae.  Let us move on before the stench clings to our clothes.

Syesha serenades us with "Hello" and it doesn't make me want to scream "Be gone!" at my TV.  Actually, this is quite good.

And with the end of Act I of the Diamond Follies drawing to a closing, the fourth wall of American Idol's facade is cracked by one of its own.

Paula Abdul is the perfect judge for American Idol.  Her career was the stuff of Milli Vanill lipsynching and C&C Music Factory track layering.  She shook her pom-poms for Tinseltown's  Harlem Globetrotters, the Los Angeles Lakers.  And she's a Joe Gillis away from becoming the Norma Desmond of late 20th Century bubblegum pop music.  She's the perfect artifical sweetener upon which on AI builds its sugar-walled empire.  So it should come as no surprise that in a codeine and cocktail-fueled stupor, Ms. Abdul reveals to the carbon copy public that the judges listen to the dress rehearsal and base their judgments on that performance rather than the live one.  Everyone already knew this, but to have it out in the open cheapens the effect of pretense.   Why wear the mask when we have seen the scars?  Randy, Simon, and Ryan become a three-headed version of Max von Mayerling and roll the camera for the delusional Ms. Abdul.  The audience sat in stunned silence, not knowing quite what to do with the spectacle before him.  It's typical Hollywood:  flawed to perfection, real in its fake veneer.

With Paula's chemcially induced ramblings, Jason knows that he could have performed "September Morn" such that would put the ghost of Enrico Caruso to shame and it wouldn't have mattered.  Again, he was pleasant but droll.  Coffee shop/beachcomber/bong time music is his calling card.  He can't change it.  And really, it's not bad at all.  But for a show that prides itself on vocal hysterics, it's all wrong.  Jason is all wrong.

By choosing "All I Really Need is You" for his second song, David C. gave himself the freedom to put a different spin on an unfamiliar song.  He went for the Nickelback/Lifehouse treatment.  That's a good thing, I guess.  If nothing else, he's ensuring himself airtime on Top 40 radio with his pop-rock sound.  I wasn't impressed, but what you can do?

Brooke's version of "I Am I Said" highlighted what has been obvious for weeks:  she's wonderful when she's performing with just her piano.  But when the band kicks in, her vocals get lost in the mix.  She's an acoustic singer and needs to stick with that.

There are moments in everyone's life where you have to realize that none of us are actually prepared for the end.  One of those moments came for me during Archie's rendition of "America."  I'm not sure if I've ever been witness to anything so surreal appearing on my TV.  It was like being part of a tent revival where the jack-legged preacher sells you snake oil, claiming that it cures polio and whooping cough.  Your mind stops understanding at some point and you're just in a fog, delirious to the picture fading to black and you fall victim to false hope.  You realize you're confused and you know why, but it happens anyway and you can't stop it.  It burns a hole in your heart that no salve can soothe.  It's the most empty kind of pain known in the pop culture Pantheon.

I gave up the ghost with that performance.  I went into casket formation:  arms crossed over my chest while clutching a pocket-sized Bible as the funeral director tucked in my burial blanket just before closing the lid on me.  God is merciful all the time.  I couldn't handle it.  It was if a priest doused my eternally damned soul with holy water.  I recoiled and writhed in agony.  At the very least, I was channeling the Wicked Witch of the West:  I'm melting, melting. . .oh, what a world!  Oh, what pandering!

I've been told that Syesha was pretty good on "Thank the Lord for the Night Time" but I was too busy getting the old mirror-under-the-nose test administered to see if I was still part of the present world.  David Archuleta is the spawn of Satan, folks.  We have seen the enemy and it's a 17-year-old gasping lad with squinty eyes.  With his overbearing dad for backup. 

If anyone is looking for me, I'll be in my bunker, wearing a tinfoil hat and waiting for the rest of you to realize that this is the end.  David Archuleta is pop music's Anti-Christ.  Prepare for the Revelation.  I'll leave a glass of Kool-Aid on the nightstand for you.

Jason sang “Forever In Blue Jeans”- Sort of appealing in the most ingratiating way possible. ** and “September Morn”- Jason did better on this song, but still one dimensional. **1/2

David Cook sang “I’m Alive”- It went by so quickly that I forgot it as soon as it ended. * and “All I Really Need Is You”- More boredom. The judges are insane.*

Brooke sang “I’m A Believer”- Snoozefest, plain and simple. * and “I Am, I Said”-This is one of my favorite Neil Diamond songs, and Brooke did okay with it. Eh…**

David Archuleta sang “Sweet Caroline”- Sort of watered down karaoke meets high school talent show. *  and “America”- I’d like to defect. *

Syesha sang “Hello”- I liked this, despite her somewhat straightforward approach to the song. **1/2 and “Thank the Lord for the “Nighttime”- Not crazy about the song, but liked the performance. **1/2

Syesha was the BEST
Cook and Archuleta were the WORST.
I think Syesha is gone, though.

Syesha sang some song called "One Rock and Roll Too Many"- Never heard of the song, but she sounded okay. A wee bit cutesy, but not unbearably bad or anything. **1/4

Jason sang "Memory"- To be fair, this is probably a really tough song to sing. To be blunt, Jason couldn't quite pull it off because his voice just isn't big enough. *1/2

Brooke sang "You Must Love Me"- I don't think I've ever seen someone start a song over during the five years I've been watching AI on a regular basis. It didn't really matter. Both her performance and the song were boring. *

Archuleta sang "Think Of Me"- Yet another schlocky piece of musical rice cake sang quite adequately by young Dave. **

Carly sang "Jesus Christ, Superstar"- This is probably the strangest song choice since Taylor Hicks did "Play That Funky Music" during AI5. It sort of worked on a very curious, unexplainable level.  **1/2

David Cook sang "Music of the Night"- God, how I hatre this song. David Combover didn't make me like it any better...*1/2

Syesha and Carly were the least offensive.

I'm guessing that we've seen the last of Brooke. 

Mariah Carey is mentoring the kids this week. Welcome to the celebrity B-List, Miss Carey.

David sang When You Believe- Mariah towers over lil’ Dave. Don’t know the song, but I guess he sang it the way it’s supposed to be sung. Uhh…’eh….**.

Carly sang Without You- Mariah did the worst cover of this great Harry Nilsson song….oh wait, Carly just did an even worse version!  It seemed to go on forever and ever. *

Syesha sang Vanishing- Another song I don’t know. The piano player has a badass goatee! Hahha….that’s great!  The performance was mediocre. **

Brooke sang Hero- Ok, I’ve heard this song. I don’t like it, but I’ve heard it. Brooke looked to be shaking uncontrollably during her performance. Whatever she’s taking must have been wearing off. Another ‘eh..**

KKKLC sang Forever- What the hell are they thinking with the song choices? Kristy Lee is a piece of failed carbon, and the song was just plain crap.1/2*

David Cook sang Always Be My Baby – David’s become a pretentious douchebag. Oh, look how different he is as he adds a supposedly new twist to the common pop song! More crap *

Jason sang I Don’t Wanna Cry – More weakness and boredom from the slow-witted Jason. *

Best
Nobody
 

Worst
KLC was particularly terrible.
 

Should Exit
KLC
 

Will Exit
Carly

Last night's show was perfect in it medicority.  It was vanilla ice cream, served with Nilla Wafers and skim milk.  There wasn't any performance to crow about, but here goes the reviews:

Jason Castro apparently smoked a stronger version of the sticky icky, because it takes either bravery or total unawareness to play a ukulele without a sense of irony.  And I don't  take Jason as the brave type.  With that said, his cover of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" was solid.  He did try to stretch his vocals more this week, so kudos for that.  He had the best performance of the night.

I would have crowned Lil' Davey Archuleta last night's winner but he didn't sing "Angels" with much convinction, in spite of having covered for a junior-high production (check out YouTube for this).  The first part of the performance was muddled, but he came along pretty strong at the end, so all's well that ends well.  The boy looks exhausted from all the work he's doing, but he didn't wet himself and as such, won't get beat with a wet towel by Daddy Dearest.

Syesha Mercado is hell-bent on becoming the next power singer.  Poor girl needs to realize that will never be her calling card.  She's a good singer when she isn't trying to hit those old-school Mariah Carey high notes.  Her version of "I Believe" was techncially better than Fantasia's, but Fanty brought the emotion to a milquetoast song and made me--well, believe that she was invested in it.  This wasn't anything wrong with Syesha's singing, but she lacked the urgency needed for this kind of ditty.

Kristy Lee Cook, if nothing else, is aware enough to realize that she's performing on borrowed time.  She understands that she's not going to win the show, but if she can outsing at least one other contestant every week, she gets to wear another glitterly tank top next week.  So she goes to her faithful country wheelhouse and performs "Anyway."  It wasn't great, but Kristy didn't stink up the joint, either.  And, if we're being honest, she wasn't close to being the worst of the night.  By all accounts, we should be saddled with her caterwauling for next Tuesday.

Michael Johns is old enough to know how important song choice is.  His puppies-are-cute-rainbows-are-pretty speech about why he chose "Dream On" is such garbage.  I expect that sort of sewage from Archuleta, but not Johns.  It didn't help matters that he pretty much butchered the song.    And when did hollering about how the Good Lord might take you away become an inspiration?  Unless I'm guaranteed a spot next to St. Peter in the Heavenly choir, don't anyone call me about death just yet!  I didn't get this performance.

David Cook was way, WAY off his 'Let Me Get My Performance Off YouTube" game tonight.  Again, I didn't understand the song choice.  With lyrics about how some guy sits in his basement listening to Lennon and Cobain sounds like a cry for help and the number to the Boys' Town National Hotline to me.  And he changed speeds in his performance.  He started out slow and, upon realizing that the Mosh Pit Dorks weren't feeling him, decided to rev up things.  Neither speed was any good.

Brooke White is having a nervous breakdown before our eyes.  Did you see her scrunchy face at the end of her performance?  That's the look someone gets just before their right eye starts twitching and they toss their head back in a blood-curdling scream while drawing blood from their torn-by-ragged-nails skin.  She's trying to hold on, but she's not gonna make it.  "You've Got a Friend" is a sweet pop song and Brooke managed to drain it of all its charm.  Not a good night for the Rated-G Superstar.

But at the previous seven didn't sound like they needed to excuse themeselves for a bathroom break.  Carly Smithson needs to invest in some Correctol or Colon Cleanse, because she sounded like she was on the toilet, trying to pass some bad buffet food.  My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies/While my instentines full of 6-day-old beer battered shrimp dies.  What would compel her to make such an odd song choice with "The Show Must Go On?"  Freddie Mercury can sing better than that in his current state.   By far the worst of the evening.

Last night did inspire me.  Indeed, I'll be watching a movie during tonight's Idol Gives Back show.  And no, I will not be giving my pennies to the Malaria Foundation.  Sorry, Seacrest.

Mike Johns sang Dream On – I was impressed that he hit the high notes at the end. Other than that, it was just good and nothing more. Michael’s defensive attitude is wearing thin. ***

Syesha sang I Believe - Rainbows…pots of gold...shooting stars..dreaming…ahh sweet Disney mania. Yea I was completely indifferent to this performance. *

Jason sang Over The Rainbow – Take away the uke, and the performance was really average. Maybe he’ll break out the Dulcimer next week. **

KLC sang Anyway – Typical nu-country boredom. Another tepid performance from Amerikkka’s Sweetheart. ½*

David Cook sang Innocent – I pretty much hated every second of it. I liked that bit at the end when the song stopped, though. *

Carly sang The Show Must Go On – This is one of my favorite latter day Queen songs. Carly absolutely butchered it. This bordered on being painful to listen to. ½*

David Archuleta sang Angels – I liked it. Sue me. ***1/4

Brooke sang You’ve Got A Friend – This is a pop classic, but she didn’t do anything special with it. It’s kinda like buying a Picasso and hanging it in the garage. **

Best
David Archuleta
 

Worst
Almost everybody else…

Should Go
KLC or Carly
 

Will Go
Carly

Brooke sang Jolene- This was better than last week, but not as good as I expected it to be. She seems to be stuck in some sort of Sheryl Crow-like rut. **

David Cook sang Little Sparrow-I didn’t get it at all. The front row plants waving their arms along to a song they’ve never heard really irritated me, for some reason.  David’s not as good as they want you to believe he is. *1/2

Ramiele sang Do I Ever Cross Your Mind- This actually wasn’t bad in parts. Some of it was a complete trainwreck, though. ‘Eh..**.. I’m feeling generous.

Jason sang Travelin’ Through- Like Brooke, Jason is stuck in an acoustic/adult contemporary rut. He needs to do something different before people begin to grow tired of him, if they haven’t already. **

Carly sang Here You Come Again- This was the best we’ve seen from Carly, in my opinion. I liked the tone of her voice, and thought it fit what she was going for quite well. ***

David Archuleta sang Smoky Mountain Memories- A bit disingenuous, but otherwise it was a solid vocal performance. ***

KLC sang Coat Of Many Colors- I really doubt that Kristy can relate to a song about having to wear a coat made of rags. This was a dull performance, and like David A., came across as completely devoid of any real feel or emotion. *

Syesha sang I Will Always Love You- This was the natural choice for Syesha, of course. She pretty much nailed it, aside from a couple bad notes here and there. ***

Michael sang It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right- I actually sort of liked this. I thought the bluesy take on the song really served him well and helped to make the performance unique. ***    

Best

Michael

Syesha

Carly

David A.

Worst

KLC

David Cook

Should and Will Go

KLC